Relationships require work and maintenance, much like any other important facet of our lives. Open, respectful, and supportive attitudes towards one another from the very start will go a long way in helping you build a lasting relationship. That’s the key take-away message of this episode of the Wise Decision Maker Show, which describes 10 tips to protect your romantic relationships from disaster.
Video: “10 Tips to Protect Your Romantic Relationships From Disaster”
Podcast: “10 Tips to Protect Your Romantic Relationships From Disaster”
Links Mentioned in Videocast and Podcast
- Here is the article: 10 Tips to Protect Your Romantic Relationships From Disaster
- The book The Blindspots Between Us: How to Overcome Unconscious Cognitive Bias and Build Better Relationships is available here
- You are welcome to register for the free Wise Decision Maker Course
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Wise Decision Maker Show, where we help you make the wisest and most profitable decisions. And today, I want to talk about a really fundamental component of life, our relationships, specifically our real romantic relationships, and they want to share with you 10 tips to protect your romantic relationships from disasters. That’s what we’ll be focusing on. Why am I talking about this? Well, because most people need romantic relationships, to have a good and healthy life, to feel fulfilled, to feel connected, to feel like their life is meaningful. And it’s not everyone, but the large majority of us do feel that we need to have a need. So let’s talk about that. How can we have happy and fulfilling relationships? Well, to do so you need to understand the science of these romantic relationships. And these 10 tips that I’ll be talking about are all coming from the scientific literature on the psychology of effective relationships. How can we have truly effective romantic relationships? Now, the first tip, you might not be surprised about this, you really need to be intentional. Not just emotional, not just spontaneous. But really be intentional about your relationship. As you’re starting your relationship, figure out the truth, the facts, the reality, not simply your hopes, wishes and dreams. Because if you don’t start your relationship on a solid foundation, it will not last. If you notice yourself really trying to ignore a topic flinching away from something that’s causing you negative emotions, it’s time to notice that flinching and address that flinching, get at the truth, get at the facts. Because if you don’t start a relationship on the sound footing, you know, those unresolved issues don’t come back to you, they’ll come back. And they will cause a lot of problems when the relationship is more serious. And when there’s more at stake. So don’t let that happen to you. All right. Number two, don’t assume that they’re the same person that you are, avoid failing their mind, it’s very easy for us to assume that those people with whom we are in relationship are very similar to us. But they’re much less like us than it seems to you. It’s hard to accept that. It certainly was hard for me to accept when I was getting into a relationship with my wife. And we’ve been together already for two decades. And you know, in the, I still find out things about her that are different from me. And it’s a hard thing to realize and accept and acknowledge, but it’s really important, it doesn’t feel intuitive and comfortable. So you need to understand that even people who are super close, disagree on some things, and that’s okay. In one to focus on things that are that you appreciate about your partner, they might be things that are similar to you, to what you are, they might be things that are different than what you are. And you can disagree on some things and that’s okay. So keep that big picture in mind and be okay with those disagreements and be okay with realizing and recognizing and getting the truth of those disagreements like tip one set. Tip trick, here’s a really useful technique that research shows is very helpful using callout culture. So it’s a communication strategy that involves being open, being honest, and sharing your vulnerabilities, lowering barriers, being what people call authentic with each other. That creates bonds of trust. So you tell the other person what you think they would benefit from knowing about, even if those things are unpleasant for you to share. And if they might be unpleasant for that person to hear. They’re still very important, they’re still going to be vital because again, getting to the truth, tell culture. One tip one is to get the truth. What is the reality of the relationship? This one is about telling the truth, telling the facts to your relationship partner, things that you think they would want to know about you, your feelings, and what’s going on there. Tip Four, it’s a lot about communication. And here’s another one removing communication barriers. So anything that prevents you or your relationship partner from being open, so that creates shared expectations. If you and your partner are open with each other. If you’re not, then the expectations will be maladjusted. And you will start feeling undermined more and more. That will help you gauge whether the relationship that you’re entering has long term viability and doesn’t really have a future. And so you want to figure out your individual preferences on communications, and that will help you get to compromises. We’ll talk about compromises later onward. But here is about lowering Coming, removing communication barriers. Alright, Tip five emotional attunement. What does that mean? That means trying to figure out the other person’s emotions. Overwhelmingly, our decision making is based on our emotions, not our rational thinking. 90% or so, or even more, of our decisions comes from our emotions. So focus on the other person’s emotions when they’re talking, when they’re expressing something, what are the emotions underlying those words, whether they’re communicating, some voice, tone, body language, all of those sorts of things, convey emotions, look at the unspoken meanings, what’s not being said, what is the context. Now, you won’t get that right away, it’ll take time to learn that about your partner. But with time, better understanding will come if you try to do so if you try to emotionally attune yourself to your partner. So that will really help you understand what’s going on with your partner. Now, you want to trust that. So that’s tip six, trust others, be charitable. So trust the offer before trust is extended. And that’s how you’ll develop relationships. That’s how you will create incentives and create inducements for your partner to trust you. So building trust early is what you really want to do in the relationship. And you want to evaluate the trust level in the relationship. Is your partner deserving of trust over time? Is your partner reliable? Are they showing they care about you? So be vulnerable, share secrets, compromise and see how they do the same things? And so if they do show the same things, if they show that they’re trustworthy, and they show trust in you, increase commitment? If they don’t, then you might want to question your commitment to this person. Tip seven, respect boundaries and privacy. If you love someone, let them go, you’ve probably heard that phrase, right? This is vital for trust. So let them go. Don’t close them down. Don’t try to grip them tight. Because if they feel that they’re being bound, there’s a natural reactance reaction. It’s how we human beings don’t like our autonomy bound. And so we act out against those who try to restrict our autonomy. So you want to respect their boundaries, their privacy that is critical for building trust and having a good relationship. So give them space, they want more space, give them more space, talk to them, have this be a clear topic of conversation, share your comfort level and get their comfort level about privacy and boundaries. So you have shared mutual expectations. Tip eight has healthy conflicts. Many folks don’t want to talk about conflicts in relationships. They think that healthy relationships don’t have conflicts. Well, that’s BS. Healthy relationships do have conflicts. As I said earlier onward. Even the closest people disagree with each other. And if you keep those disagreements bottled up because you’ll never really have them, you will run into a lot of serious issues if you don’t learn how to help healthy conflicts. So learn those healthy conflict resolution techniques. Be upfront with your partner, share with them. Remember that to tell the culture , share with them facts such that you think that they would like to know about yourself, your dynamics, your relationships, with your partner, with your dynamics, in relationships with others, financial situations, all of these sorts of things, your preference is for the long term future. Don’t make assumptions about your partner, it’s too easy. Again, when we fail in their minds, that’s a bad problem. Don’t blame them, even if it feels like they are the one at fault. Don’t express blame because once you start expressing blame and shaming and guilting each other and especially showing resentment, that is when relationships are really going downhill. Be charitable. interpret your partner’s actions in a charitable fashion. Look at your partner’s actions. The actions are always interpretable in an ambiguous fashion, so they’re in big use. You’re not sure what reason they did it to assume the best rather than the worst. Assume the best of your partner in why they’re doing what they’re doing. If you find yourself making a mistake, apologize quickly, apologize quickly and profusely. And honestly, about the mistake you make rather than denying it and flinching away from it. And then in whatever happened after the conflict as the conflict or sometimes as the conflict is ongoing, you want to rebuild emotional bonds that are strained, but especially after the conflict, you want to rebuild those emotional bonds that are strained and sent I’m still be really helpful to reinforce during the conflict that, honey, I know we’re having this tension, this conflict. But I really love you. And this is just a moment, this is just a problem we’ll get through it. Obviously, our relationship is much stronger, and deeper and meaningful, much more meaningful than the single conflict. So that’s kind of the idea. If the conflict is prolonged, if it’s not brief, you really definitely want to reinforce those emotional bonds during the conflict itself. Now, here are a final pair of tips. But that might seem contradictory, but they’re not at all. So tip nine, meet your own goals, know what you want in the relationship? What are you trying to get out of it? What are your needs, that you’re trying to fulfill your need for companionship, you need love , you need support, whatever it is, focus on yourself, as well as your partner. Remember that your personal beliefs, ideas, preferences, career goals, all of those are equally important to those of your partner in the context of the relationship. So be honest, be open about your own needs, your own desires. Otherwise, you’ll get resentful, you’ll be frustrated, you’ll build those up, you don’t want to be in that situation, it will harm the long term prospects of your relationship. And finally, like I said, it seems contradictory. But compromise on your goals and then your partner’s goals. And you should compromise reasonably equally, your partner and you should compromise reasonably equally, because you are playing a significant role in that person’s life, their future, and they’re playing a significant role in your life and future. And you want to have compromises, you want to be clear on what you’re compromising on. So balance getting your own needs met and the other person’s needs met. You want to really think about the other person and realize that if they’re not getting their needs met in the relationship, well, that will not be a healthy relationship, it will not be sustained in the long term. So figure out mutually beneficial compromises. Don’t go too often to the well, let’s agree to disagree and do your own thing. That’s a problem. You want to have a compromise that’s acceptable to both parties. Agreeing to disagree is usually something that keeps a conflict going, that’s not a thing you want to do. Choose your battles, you need to choose the hill on which you want to dive right some things are going to be perhaps non negotiable for you. But those keep those two super, super limited things. And if you’ve early on, we can voice those things. And if you find out that your partner has something that contradicts those non negotiable things, perhaps they’re not a good partner for you. And in general, pick your battles. Don’t fight too hard over things that matter little and express to your partner, how much does actually something matter to you? If your partner has a preference for something, and you have a preference for the opposite thing, ask How strong is your preference? Is it the slight preference, is it a moderate preference, is the strong preference, those three levels can be a relatively easy way of measuring. And then if you have a slight preference, and they have a moderate preference, it’s better to go with their mothered preference or if they have a moderate preference and you have a strong preference. It’s better to go with your strong preference. So understand the other person, respect the other person and make sure that the other person understands and respects you. That’s going to be the key to having effective compromises. Alright, and these are the 10 tips to protect your romantic relationships from disaster. I hope this episode of the wise decision maker show has been helpful for you. My name is Dr. Gleb superski and the CEO of disaster avoidance experts which sponsors the wise decision maker show, please check out the notes on this show. In the podcast notes. This can be much more information with a blog and books about this topic. So check that out. And email me about anything you heard in this show. I’d love to learn about your thoughts on it Gleb G L, Eb, at disaster avoidance experts with an s.com And of course, please like this show and subscribe to it. Wherever you checked it out. We have a video cast, we have a podcast version. So whether it’s YouTube, or whether you’ve got iTunes or Amazon music or whatever google plays with our rubber, you got it. Please subscribe. And please leave a review. We’d love to hear your thoughts in the review as well and that helps other folks discover this show and get the same benefit that you’re getting right now. Alright, everyone, I look forward to seeing you next time on The wise decision maker show. And in the meantime, the wisest and most profitable decisions to my friends
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Bio: Dr. Gleb Tsipursky helps tech and insurance executives drive collaboration, innovation, and retention in hybrid work. He serves as the CEO of the boutique future-of-work consultancy Disaster Avoidance Experts, which helps organizations adopt a hybrid-first culture, instead of incrementally improving on the traditional office-centric culture. A best-selling author of 7 books, he is especially well-known for his global best-sellers Never Go With Your Gut: How Pioneering Leaders Make the Best Decisions and Avoid Business Disasters (Career Press, 2019) and The Blindspots Between Us: How to Overcome Unconscious Cognitive Bias and Build Better Relationships (New Harbinger, 2020). His newest book is Leading Hybrid and Remote Teams: A Manual on Benchmarking to Best Practices for Competitive Advantage (Intentional Insights, 2021). His writing was translated into Chinese, Korean, German, Russian, Polish, Spanish, French, and other languages. His cutting-edge thought leadership was featured in over 650 articles and 550 interviews in prominent venues. They include Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Inc. Magazine, CBS News, Time, Business Insider, Government Executive, The Chronicle of Philanthropy, Fast Company, USA Today, and elsewhere. His expertise comes from over 20 years of consulting, coaching, and speaking and training for mid-size and large organizations ranging from Aflac to Xerox. It also comes from his research background as a cognitive scientist. After spending 8 years getting a PhD and lecturing at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, he served for 7 years as a professor at the Ohio State University’s Decision Sciences Collaborative and History Department. He lives in Columbus, Ohio (Go Bucks!) and in his free time, he makes sure to spend abundant quality time with his wife to avoid his personal life turning into a disaster. Contact him at Gleb[at]DisasterAvoidanceExperts[dot]com, follow him on LinkedIn @dr-gleb-tsipursky, Twitter @gleb_tsipursky, Instagram @dr_gleb_tsipursky, Facebook @DrGlebTsipursky, Medium @dr_gleb_tsipursky, YouTube, and RSS, and get a free copy of the Assessment on Dangerous Judgment Errors in the Workplace by signing up for the free Wise Decision Maker Course at https://disasteravoidanceexperts.com/newsletter/.